By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
