You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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