I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
