everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
