I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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