The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
