were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
