why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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