there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
