it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
