Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
We left an ass print on the piano.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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