WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
