I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
BRING THE BAGELS
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
