I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
