I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
