I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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