If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
