I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
