That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
