his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
