One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
