Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Do vagina's smell?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
