Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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