and next time when you feel me up, do it right
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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