Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
