He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
