How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You ate ashes out of my bong
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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