I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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