mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
