I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
