honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
