Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
