There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
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