i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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