Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
