Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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