you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
