I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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