A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
