Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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