You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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