i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
