Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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