Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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