There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
