do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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