god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
