just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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