My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
