he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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